When I thought that life was nothing but brief interludes of joy and rare circumstances of laughter, I circummed to the thought “What’s the point?”, feeling helpless and hopeless and a complete victim of circumstance.
But really, the point was that I could and did learn from what happened to me. I didn’t need to stay in that hole that had been growing in size and depth for most of my life. Each event pushed me to the outer limits of what I thought possible.
I guess the biggest question I had been asking was “WHY?” and never finding any significant answer which would soothe the yearning in my heart.
It was so easy for me to blame others for my plight in life. It was so convenient to say that I was sorry for nothing and that I had done nothing wrong….but then one day, I changed.
I remember driving along a hillside laneway; I was ruminating about an event and a particular reoccurring problem. I could never understand this particular problem and it kept on reoccurring. The feelings of being weak at the knees and then having this burning sensation in my stomach. I just wanted to run. Run away as fast as I could. I hated the feelings of disempowerment and being out of control that I felt run through my body. I would do everything, anything I could to overcome these feelings of dread. My hyper vigilance was in overdrive. Whenever I would feel these feelings, I would become the Frankenstein of witches with the sheer intent to escape the feelings, and find a safe haven to be peaceful again. I would blame the other person for their presence, I would blame my past lives or my PTSD, I would think of almost anything to shift the focus. “If only they could change, then, my life would be better!”
So as I drove up this beautifully fragrant laneway, I thought, “What if? What would happen if I decided to learn something from this situation?” What could be the lesson I could learn? How could I see this differently? Does seeing it differently, can I overcome the feelings and beliefs of disempowerment that I am having? The nerves and the anxiety that appears to be so powerfully overwhelming, can they truly be dissolved?
Hhhmmmmm! It did make me feel better that, I thought about it differently. I stopped being a victim and started to feel empowered. Not a lot, but enough for me to become quizzical to the process of self-enquiry. What can I learn from this? Without anger or deceit, what can I learn that will benefit me for years to come? What I wanted was peace of mind. Not to feel so frustrated with life and the process. Can I take this past and beyond the point of learning? Can I take this to the next level of learning and into growing? Growing into a better human being? Being able to see things clearer and achieve more loving results?
There are no rules to play in the game of life, but I wanted to be able to compare what I had been doing and develop a new way. Hopefully I could see some measureable changes to my sense of wellbeing.
How could thinking about this change my life? How could changing the way I perceived the situation, completely change my attitude?
The most important thing that I realised was that I could change. The point of empowerment was that I believed that there was a way out of my current suffering and pain. I didn’t know how at the time, but I was determined that I could find a way.
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